Rove to Kerry: Fixing Your Flip Flops

John,

The good news: Most of the things you say in public come off well, and people respect you when they hear you speak.

The bad news: Two major events have been dogging your integrity since the summer (it seems since the dawn of time). In this installment, we'll cover the first event, where you explained how you voted for the $87 billion before you voted against it.

This event was exploited by "W" in countless attack ads, and is the primary reason why the tag "flip flopper" has stuck to your public persona.

You need to completely assassinate this event. That's right, John, kill it. It needs to die so that it can never resurface. Kill it with a targeted announcement (and actually think about shooting it when you speak, so your inner contempt for this President can oh-so-subtly be detected by America).

Tell America the truth about the $87 billion vote:

"George Bush would have you believe that I, a former U.S. soldier, a veteran, would actually not provide our troops with the supplies they need to succeed. He has some nerve, and this represents just another example of his almost pathological need to mislead America. Let me tell you straight, with no spin: I voted for the responsible version of the bill to support our troops -- the responsible version that rolled back a few tax cuts so we could actually pay for this war in a responsible way. I did not vote for the version of the bill -- the version that President Bush signed -- that has thrown this country into mind-boggling debt. This is so important, I'm going to repeat it: I voted to spend $87 billion to arm our troops responsibly, simple as that. This is the end of President Bush's fantasy-land spin on the $87 billion."

Here, we're creating nice sound bites for continual replays in the media, and we're tying in the fantasy-land spin message that you've already invested in. You're also playing up that you'll be the "responsible" President instead of the reckless one that got us into immeasurable debt and a debacle abroad. And, of course, you're seamlessly weaving in the fact that you yourself were a brave soldier that would naturally have our soldiers' best interest close to your heart.

John, get me back on your schedule soon for the second installment of "Fixing your Flip Flops," where we will resolve the second major event that has branded you a flip flopper. We'll also introduce a go-for-the-juggler branding of "W" that is just so "Karl Rove," it may single-handedly win you the election.